Why choose forgiveness?

My first blog post was about losing a friend and the thoughts that came with it. Questioning whether I did something wrong or they just weren’t a good friend anymore. Whether it could be fixed or it was lost forever. Whether I would spiral into never wanting new friends or this experience could teach me to look out for a couple of things.

But before all of that, I came face to face with forgiveness.

At the time, forgiveness meant excusing what they had done to me. It meant telling them it’s okay that they hurt me and that didn’t matter because I “forgive” them. Forgiveness meant their harmful actions hadn’t affected me in any way. That what they did didn’t hurt at all. Forgiveness meant that my feelings needed to be swept to the side in order to be the bigger person and for all these reasons and more, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to excuse any of it; to act like I was okay. Like somehow...I didn’t care anymore or maybe I just never cared from the beginning.   

But there is an ugliness that comes from reasoning this way. Some people may care for it, and look for ways to release it, while others may not. There is bitterness and resentment. An anger you can’t quite shake off. Sometimes you may find yourself directing it towards the person while its spreads only through you. You may constantly speak ill of them. Constantly bring up the pain to friends, family, or anyone that may listen. Or feel the need to play V for vendetta by showing everyone who they really are. The need to bring them to justice. And with that, you may cause harm to others all in the name of being hurt.

You may believe that some of this may bring you closer to closure, but it only pulls you further away from it. What good thing has holding onto pain ever brought you?

The idea that it grants a person the ability to get away with anything is false, that’s only your ego speaking. Your pain will not be healed when you see them in pain, there will only be one more person in pain.

In the past year, I have seen forgiveness in a different light. It is not simply accepting; it’s taking care of yourself and granting people grace in the same breath. You could forgive a person and not want them in your life anymore or you could. Forgiveness isn’t a free pass back into anyone’s life. Forgiveness releases you from the weight and energy that feeds resentment. To process what happened, why it hurt you, and how you can heal from it. The chance to remember what it’s like to live a life for yourself and chase the things that bring you joy, not sorrow. It allows you to create the space for healing. To learn that people aren’t perfect, and they aren’t malicious. It gives you room to sit down and understand others. Most of the time, you learn that their actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Forgiveness may be the road less traveled, but it is the road to peace.