The breakup they never told you about

When I was growing up, I always wondered what would hurt more. The death of a loved one or my first heartbreak. And I’ve experienced both.

But no one told me that losing a friend (that’s still alive) would hurt as bad as the above. No one prepared me, for the memories that I would question or the lesson to be learnt in losing someone that’s living. No one could put into words what it would feel like to lose a ‘sister’ or a ‘brother’. Because that’s obviously what I call my close friends. Sister from another mother and brother from another mister.

I read something the other day and it stuck with me. “Hellos are always so sweet but always watch how someone leaves the relationship. Watch how they say goodbye. That’s who they truly are.” Something along those lines. It stuck with me because you never pay attention to how some people introduce themselves. Always so kind and sweet. I can’t blame them. A lot of things are based on first impressions.

So what do you do when you’re losing your friend? Do you call them endlessly and ask what happened?Do you text and ask why they did what they did? Do you cry and hope that everything will fix itself? Or do you just suck it up and act like it’s not bothering you at all?

No one prepared me for the countless reminders that would come up of that person. Pictures, videos and texts of the most amazing memories. People ask how they’re doing or worse, your parents ask when they’re coming over. How do you start explaining to your parents you don’t know if you know the same person anymore. That your “sister” or “brother” isn’t who you thought they were.

Or maybe it’s all your fault. What if you’re the problem here. What if you’re just a bad person and you don’t know how to treat people well enough. What if you didn’t reach out enough or ask how they were doing. What if you’re too needy. What if you didn’t know how to be a friend to the person and now they just won’t take your crap. What if you’re just a arrogant narcissistic asshole.

So what do you do?

After questioning yourself several times a day. After questioning whether it’s worth fighting for. Do you reach out? Or do you let go?