Am I allowed to speak?

Everything in my life (well most things) was explained through lectures or beatings. Sometimes, both. I was taught and I had to listen. No ifs, buts or ands. What you were told is what is expected. Nothing less and nothing more. I did not think I could question or even think about the information given to me. If it was wrong, it is simply wrong because the person older than me (I will not say elder) said it is. So, as expected, I did what I was told. Never questioning.

As I grew older, the routine did not change. You were told and you listened. Some call it respect. I call it fear. I listened to what I was being told and did not stray from it. Listening for so long that I did not know how to talk. I had been guilt tripped into things that were not okay. I was forced into uncomfortable situations because I HAD to listen. What sort of child would I be if I “disrespected” people older than me. Did I really want people to have conversations about me on their dining tables. Because that is what people do. When you don’t do what is expected, you become a conversation and an example in someone’s household as to what happens when you don’t listen to people older than you.

But I never understood what disrespect meant for the people older than me.

Until the day, I thought I could speak. I thought I could explain something from a different point of view and it would be acknowledged. I say acknowledged because I did not expect it to be thought after it was uttered. But I was wrong. I was met with a lecture. I was told that I am selfish and disrespectful.

Disrespect means questioning and taking a different route in my journey. Disrespect means not doing exactly as I was told because it is not “the way”. Disrespect means finding my own beliefs and sticking by them. Disrespect is thinking we could communicate. Disrespect means learning more than what I was told and presenting it to them. Disrespect means respecting their perspective but not complying.

Was I wrong for questioning their opinion? Was I wrong for finding another way to solve things? Was I wrong for thinking I could speak? Was I wrong for changing the dynamic? Was I wrong to explain myself?

So how do you approach a person who’s so used to being heard but not used to listening? How do you challenge the belief that you only learn from people older than you? How do you show people that because you are young you know a thing or two? How do you speak up without being disrespectful? How do you have a conversation without sounding “bossy”? How do I find a voice? How do I respect them without disrespecting myself?