My first language
A beautiful picture taken by @yogaracheal caught my attention. As soon as I saw those words written on the image, so many situations came to my mind. Situations that I’ve let move me by shame, guilt and worry. But more than anything, I couldn’t shake off the feeling it gave me to see “with no”. Those two little words meant so much placed in front of “shame, guilt or worry” words that ruled my life lately.
A lot of people like to say I speak with no fear and I look like nothing’s worrying me. They like to tell me I speak from my heart and the words I say/type resonate deeply in their souls. That melts my heart. Warms me beyond and above everything else. But despite all this, I was still allowing so many things to shake my entire being into shame, guilt, and worry.
The shame that came from speaking about my life and living my truth. The shame that I carried from past actions and mistakes. The shame that came from words said to me by people along the way and wondering if I could ever make them I feel the pain it caused. The guilt resulting from having affected someone’s life beyond repair and being unable to take it away.
The worry that I was living for others’ approval and not my own. The worry that someone else treating me wrong was due to my prior actions and that I deserved it. The worry that all problems started and ended with me. The worry that I was passing on my trauma because I couldn’t get past it. The worry that I was not going to amount to anything I’d be proud of.
I had to sit down and have an honest conversation with myself. The way that I was speaking to myself was unnecessary and unhealthy. I could not allow the little voices in my head (yes, I know I sound crazy) rule the way I run my life. For far too long, I was my worst critic. Allowing the opinions of others rule the way I viewed myself. Allowing others’ opinions on my mistakes rule how I viewed myself. Allowing others to think they could voice my opinions on my behalf and speak on matters they knew nothing about. I allowed people to make me feel like I should beg for their approval and only when I got it, I would be deemed exemplary.
I continued to shame, guilt, and worry myself because I had not been entitled to an opinion of my own. Nobody tells you that you should sit back and question the people in your life. Question the advice you’re given. Question the beliefs you’re given. Nobody tells you that you should have an opinion of your own and respect it more than anything.
I continuously bashed myself because I was not being honest with myself. I was not sitting down and having a conversation with myself before I made decisions. I was always doing what I was taught without question but that was wrong. It is wrong!
Honesty is the first form of self-love for me and without it, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. Honesty led me to accountability. Learning and unlearning the different forms of shame, guilt, and worry I have/had in my life. Learning that I had to be brutally honest with myself before I hurt the people around me and myself included. Learning that I had to lead my life with no shame, guilt, or worry.
Learning that honesty should be my first language. With myself. Then others.